Tomorrow is Valentines Day, and many people in America are focussing on ways to endear themselves to the people they love. Most guys, truth be told, who pay attention to Valentines Day, are scrambling to come up with a good website from which to buy flowers. Flowers can be a way of showing someone you love, that you love them. Personally, I have always found that a good bottle of Pinot is even more appreciated. However, one of the things I have learned in life is that the ear is actually the closest part of the body to the heart.
Not long ago, my Spiritual Director, friend, therapist and mentor, Rev. Dr. Gordon Hess (PhD), told me an important life lesson; "The ear is the organ of intimacy." To be honest, when I heard this for the first time, my mind went to the word intimacy, and then I thought about an ear, and I wondered if this was some new sexual technique that I was not aware of. Gordon explained that the best way for a person to feel that you love them is to demonstrate that you have heard them. Or better yet, to actually HEAR them. When people feel heard, they then often feel understood, and when they feel understood, they feel like someone really knows them, and when someone really knows them, they often feel loved.
Yesterday on NPR, Terry Gross interviewed an incredible woman named Kate Bowler who is a professor at Duke Divinity School and who has just written a nationwide best-seller called, "Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved". The title is incredible, and the book, which I have not read yet, is an account of her survival from cancer and the spiritual insights that accompanied that journey. In the interview, Kate says that when she learned that the doctors who treated her had overlooked the cancerous tumor that was found in her colon, she became infuriated. How could they miss such a basic medical malady? Terry asked Kate whether she ever thought about suing the doctors who made this medical mistake that almost cost her her life. Kate said, "No, I didn't, but I really did wish that someone, just someone had said to me, 'You know, I am really sorry, this is awful, I really made a mistake, I feel terrible about this.'" In other words, what Kate wanted most is to be healed, but short of that, what she cherished was the chance to be HEARD.
The truth be told, I have always been pretty good at listening, but I have never been very good at demonstrating to someone else who is communicating with me, that I have actually HEARD them. Recently, I received a critique about an aspect of the worship service that I lead each week. The critique on its face was not a bad one, and when the person pointed out the mistake, I immediately heard what they were saying. In previous years, my instinct would have been to shoot this person back an email and said, "Oh, ok, great, thanks for sharing, I'll consider this." However, what I have learned is that this kind of response isn't a great mechanism for hearing. So, instead, I picked up the phone, and I talked with this person for about 30 minutes. I talked with them not just about the issue that they were presenting, but about their entire lives. How were they doing? What was going on with them? How were things going? The next Sunday, the person who made the critique walked up to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Graham, I just want to thank you. And I want you to know that I really felt HEARD by you the other day." Now, here's the truth. I really didn't modify my behavior in the slightest. What I did do is take time to try to demonstrate to that person that I had HEARD them. And in hearing there is healing!
So, this Valentines Day, you can buy flowers, or a bottle of Pinot. These are both good things. But what may get you closer to that person's heart is not a dent out of your checking account, but a dent in your ear. To show, for a few brief moments, to demonstrate, that what they have said, that you they really are - you have HEARD.
All For Now,
GB
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