Embracing and Separating

Recently, I heard a podcast that has caused me to do some major thinking.  The podcaster, and I can't remember who it was right now, said that the basic philosophy of all good parenting has two basic parts.  Ironically, these two parts of parenting would seem antithetical to one another, but they are actually inter-related, and sometimes inter-twined.  All good parenting involves two basic actions:

Embracing and Separating

From the moment a child is born a parent does everything they can to provide a child with as much nurture, love, encouragement, tenderness and compassion as possible.  This is the embracing side of parenting.  Sometimes this embracing takes the form of encouraging a child when they fall down or get discouraged; "Come on, you can do it, Mommy is here to catch you.  Try it again."  Other times this embracing is more basic.  My own kids say to me almost every day, at some point in the day, "Daddy, I love you."  And, of course, I say, "I love you too."  I take these gestures of love to be both a sense of how they are feeling at the moment, sometimes a desire to get something from me (like a snack), but most of all to simply check-in; "I'm here Daddy, are you here too?"  It is Embracing at its best.

And yet, at a certain point in a child's upbringing, a healthy parent must prepare every child for separation.  Some day, the child will grow up, and move on.  In most cases, and especially in the millennial generation, this moving on happens in stages (college, move back, first job, move back, second job, move back, marriage...hopefully not move back:-), but you never know!).  A healthy parent needs to offer children the opportunity to do things on their own - take walks, do sleepovers, go to summer camp, take jobs, have girl friends or boyfriends - have autonomy in particular areas of their life.  This is all preparation for separation.  An unhealthy parent, obviously, does not prepare a child for this stage of separation, and then when the time comes, there is sometimes an unhelpful attachment or "enmeshment".

What I have been thinking about is how leading a church also has a similar;

Embracing and Separating...

dynamic.  A healthy pastor embraces a congregation as much as possible.  When a congregation is in a time of crisis, like Goleta Presbyterian Church has been recently, where I now serve, in the midst of a major forest fire, a healthy pastor embraces them, prays for them, makes visits with them, loves them.  When a congregation experiences a joy within a community, like a wedding or a baptism, or a member accomplishes something fantastic, there needs to be an embrace; "Great job!  I'm so proud of you.  You are incredible!  I love you!"

And yet, a healthy pastor must also prepare a congregation, at a certain point of maturity, for separation.  Sometimes this separation occurs when staff members come and go from a church.  Sometimes separation occurs when members decide to leave a church and go to another church, for whatever reason.  Other times the separation is about sending people out into the world, to serve where they live, from week to week.  Churches that offer constant mid-week programming for members sometimes do not prepare their members for an adequate level of separation.  Still other times this separation takes the form of a member deciding to go into full time mission ministry in a foreign mission field.  Some of my best leaders over the years have gone on to great ministries of their own.

Jesus epitomizes this embracing and separating dynamic in his last official pronouncement before ascending into heaven;

"Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'" John 20:19 - (Embracing)

"As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you." John 20:21 - (Separating)

"And with that, he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit." John 20:22 (Embracing)

"Therefore, go an make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:19 - (Separating)

"And surely I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20 (Embracing)

This double bind of embracing and separating is such a hard balance to keep.  For parents, it is so hard to have children who they have embraced for nearly 20 years leave the house.  For pastors, who have invested so much love into a congregation, it is so hard when they leave for various reasons.  And yet, that is what is necessary, in the end, to be both a healthy parent and a healthy pastor.

Embracing and Separating

But for now, speaking for just myself, I am going to go give my kids one more hug for the morning!

All For Now,

GB